Tuesday, December 22, 2009

cuddleTIME = x(3)?

I'm sitting here looking at pictures of my sweet baby, Emma. I can't believe she is 3 already. Actually closer to 4 now. I look at her and I see a baby. Then I go to the mall and I see a tiny little bundle in a stroller and I look back at my big girl and realize, she isn't a baby anymore.

Growing so dang fast. In some ways it's what I wanted. I was looking forward to this age where she wouldn't depend on me so much. Waking up multiple times during the night to feed an infant is exhausting, as is changing diapers, and crying and tons of other things. A lot of the time I think to the future and how awesome it will be to be able to spend time with my husband traveling, going out and enjoying each other without kids singing about turds in the background.

Then there are times like tonight, when I'm wondering where the past 3 years have gone, that I get scared. There will come a day when Emma doesn't want to cuddle with me anymore. She won't want me to read to her morning noon and night. There won't be a booster seat at the table. I won't hear Dora or Kai Lan on the TV. Our king sized bed will seem even bigger without "little in the middle". She will grow out of all the things that make her my little girl.

I look at her and I think "Why do we deprive ourselves of having more of these precious creatures? We could keep going and have another one or two to oooh and aaah over".

Sometimes Andreas and I talk about the pros and cons to having another child. We both get tired just thinking about it. Not just throwing another kid into the mix but the fact that I have not been lucky enough to have a normal pregnancy....EVER. With Emma, poor Andreas had to work and take care of me plus two kids while I was on strict bed rest for 10 weeks. We were lucky to have the outcome we did. Would we be that lucky again? If we could survive that whole ordeal a second time, would we be able to survive a 4Th child to raise?

Of course we could! They are so precious. They are amazing and sweet and perfect little people. I love to just watch her play, just stare at her in awe that she is part Andreas and part me but 100% from God. An angel on earth. I love her (ALL of my kids) so much that it hurts. I just want to hug them and never let go.

But eventually the time will come, no matter how many children I have, when they grow up. At the moment we don't plan on having anymore babies. And perhaps that is the way it will stay. So for now, I'll just keep hugging and snuggling and kissing my little bundles of joy while I still can. Because I've [hopefully] still got many more years of cuddling time left.

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