That's one of the many questions I was asked by a counselor I saw this past week.
"Do you find it hard to sit still?"
Well, I guess but only because I know there is so much stuff I need to get done at all times. Not because I couldn't sit still, I just don't have time! - that was my answer.
I do, however find it hard to relax. I'm usually always tense. Even around friends and family members. There are precious few people that I feel truly at ease around, my mother, my husband and my children. Perhaps it's because I know these people love me unconditionally. I don't fear detachment from them.
So yeah, I am trying counseling. I was pretty traumatized by the panic attacks I was having and my doctor said that medication would only help a little. But combine it with some counseling and you have a better chance at overcoming it. So I made an appointment, and I went. It wasn't bad.
It was a little awkward to have to give so much personal details about my life to a complete stranger. But it was a comfortable environment and I wanted to be there because I want to get help for my growing anxieties. I didn't hold anything back.
We delved into my past, talked about family, and all the things I guess I expected her to ask about. Such questions are needed in order to find a cause for the problem. I am going to go on a weekly basis to learn techniques to deal with anxiety and panic disorder. These are things we are not born with and what these counselors go to years of school to be able to teach us. And I am willing to learn.
Among the positive things I am doing now: exercising. It didn't surprise me at all that she brought that up. In fact, since being an avid exerciser is supposed to help with such a broad range of things, it was a given that it would be mentioned at some point. The thing that sort of scared me is that if exercising regularly can help, and I already exercise regularly and still have anxiety, does that mean that my anxiety would be quite a lot worse if I was a couch potato?
Then something clicked, the week I had "the big one" I had decided to take a week off from working out. It was Christmas vacation and I wanted to be enjoying that week with my family, relaxing, eating cookies, playing games, watching movies, etc. Maybe on a subconscious level I am a fitness fanatic to help ease my anxieties. And outwardly I perceive it to be something I do mainly to look better and stay healthy.
It's all so "what if" and "maybe" to me. I honestly don't know how anyone could ever really know the true and real reason for a disorder such as this. I've always been a quiet, shy person. Someone who would rather be in a corner unnoticed. But that's a personality trait, be it good or bad, I think it is just what makes me me. It's the irrational fears that I have, which are a part of why I'm mostly a quiet person around other people, that are what fuel my anxieties. I might have what's called distorted thinking. And this makes sense to me too, but you'll remain in the dark about that one.
Just letting my thoughts pour out through my fingers feels so good. I do that a lot and then don't post just because it's therapeutic getting it out and reading it back to myself. My head is so jumbled, jam-packed with a thousand thoughts at all times. So much so that I wish I could turn my brain off. Especially at night. I'm thinking about the day, what I got done and what I didn't get done and will now have to do tomorrow. I'm always thinking thinking thinking and worrying that I won't remember any of it because there are SO many thoughts going on all at the same time.
I have trouble concentrating. I know that if I ever went back to school or took online classes I would never get anything done. The kids are talking, the dog is barking, there is too much to distract me. Just tonight I was trying to read something and I couldn't focus. I just can't focus and retain anything unless the room is totally quiet and chaos free. These are the types of things that make it hard. And I feel overwhelmed and not in control. Therefore I get irritable that is common of people with anxiety.
I'm learning a lot about myself, my behaviors and soon I will be learning how to deal with the undesirable behaviors so that I can become a better me. I've been praying for so long (I don't even know how long....years) for God to help me become the person I want to be and I feel He is steering me in the right direction. He doesn't just magically tap you on the head and all your troubles are solved, but He does give you nudges. And sometimes bad things have to happen before the healing you have been asking for can begin. He works in mysterious ways. But I trust Him. He will lead me and I will follow.